Holy Shit! I cant handle it anymore! I see you in some new dudes arms ever week, I dont give a damn if they are just friends, every dude I see you hang off of, lie in bed with, smile with your cheek touching his, wrap your arms around is like FUCKING STABBING ME THROUGH THE HEART... it is fucking pissing me off, why is every man your with "just friends"??...you dont tell me anything about any of them, you avoid me, you didn't call or leave a message wishing me luck on my deployment, it took you 3 days to talk to me on the phone and thank me for something I put my entire heart and soul into and I was the one that brought it up if you ever got it! you done seem the same girl I know, you never fight for anything when it comes to us anymore, I KNOW YOU KNOW WHAT HURTS ME! You leave me soo much fucking room for assumption and always have, you dont talk to me and tell me how you are, or what you are doing. Apparently you want the single life soo bad you must make yourself not care about the husband you said, "till death do us part" with...those words were the strongest thing I have ever said to anyone...for once stop being so selfish and give some love and time to this man who cries in his sleep over you...


I am so pumped with rage and anger here...you are tearing me apart from across the world and its never been so hard. I dont party, I dont drink, I dont have anyone here to be there for me, I dont have my camera, I dont have my escape, I am stuck on this tiny ass base, my wife wants to divorse me, I am depressed as hell, I hate myself for being like this, its so hard to hold on...

Why do you not care, why do you do this? What have I done to you besides be myself and tell you when and what you do to hurt me...? You are fucking blind to not see that I love you with everything, and wont give up this fight. I may be tired as hell of fighting for you but I dont give up on something I love. Who have you become??


I thnk I feel better...

So my old friend Tera from high school just called me and I wanted to give you an example of how small this world really is.
Try to stay with me....it is confusing. 

1.) Okay, it started with Tera and me about 11 years ago in school in Wisconsin as best buds as science partners in class.  We got along pretty well and we had the whole immature flirty thing going on. it was cute.  lol

2.) Next in line is how Tera moved to Arizona before we got to high school and disappeared for many years, I never heard from her again. 

3.) I joined the Air force after high school and we had leaders in our basic training flight called "dorm chiefs", one of them was a guy named "Roberts", and the other of "Beard".

4.) We ended up graduating and I then went on to tech school and then my first base in Idaho, after 2 years or so I was looking on myspace and found Tera again after all this time, and found out she was dating a guy named Jess who lived in Georgia. 

5.) after a while of knowing her on myspace I began to see more photos of her and her man.  ...turns out that Jess is Roberts from basic training...freaking strange!  He had no clue he was dating my friend in school!  haha

6.) next is how Breann comes into play, I met her in Colorado and it just so happens that Beard from basic training is from her high school and lived in the same small town as she did!  haha  so both dorm chiefs come into play in random parts of my life.

7.) on top of everything...i just foud out that Tera was supposed to come to mt. home idaho (where i currenly live)...I am soon expecting orders to move to Utah...She just told me that her orders changed to Utah as well....FREAKING FREAKY!  HAHA!! 

WHAT A SMALL WORLD PEOPLE...tiny.  ^_^

After everything Ice been emotionally going through I got a depressing phone call today by Bre,  She told me she lost her wedding ring after taking it off a while back and hasn't been able to find it since...  She then told me after I said that I would like to get her a new wedding ring that she doesn't want to wear one till after I move to Utah...  : (  I am not doing well...  it hurt.

on top of that pile she also told me that her brand new laptop is destroyed from rotten milk settling inside of it after it spilt on it...  uuuhg... there goes another 800...